So I've been mulling around a lot lately with little to do. I was really stressed today and just wanted to draw and get things out on paper. A Pygmy Jerboa made me happy though so don't worry.

BUT!

While out to pick up a pizza I stopped at the school bookstore and bought a sketchbook, some pencils, a fine point ink pen (not a sharpie), and a few erasers. Came to about $30. I decided I'd draw 1 comic a day based on something that happened to me that day, or just a funny idea I had. I'm gonna keep it up as long as I can. Hopefully the end results will be hilarious AND insightful!

I thought it'd be an interesting idea. I've already got some ideas for comics on the slow days (mostly weekends). I just wish I had a room mate I LIKED talking to so I could write them into the comic (comically of course).

Man I should've just asked my friend if he wanted to split rent on an apt when I had the chance last year...

So I'm just updating for the sake of letting everyone who hasn't heard know whats going on right now.

I got a new apartment 1 floor up from my old apartment.

I'm about to go back to school but I really am not looking forward to it. Wish I had a few more months off!

Latinfest is this Saturday and I'll be there with TLN. Can't wait.

And last but most importantly

My best friend, Billy, committed suicide Aug. 2nd (the official date). It's been rough but I'm dealing with it. I think

This is just a exerpt from an e-mail i sent a friend recently. Names and situations have been changed to protect identities

I don't get it! its like everyone i talk to is such a downer misery pile these days! it bothers me! Everyone complains about how they have it so bad and how their life sucks and how it'll never get better. THEN CHANGE IT!

It's pissing me off cause all they do is complain and bitch about how they've gotten a raw deal, and every time I tell them "just change it" they say "i can't."
Theres NOTHING stopping them!

1 person was complaining about now that schools in she can't see her boyfriend as much. So I told her "just see him when you can" and she was like "thats never! I might as well break up with him!"

Another was complaining about how their life is going too fast and everythings too hectic for him. I told him "take some time and re-calibrate yourself" he was like "you don't get it! if i slow down i'm gonna crash!"

I don't know what I don't "get" about all this but it just sickens me that people only complain about how their lives suck and how nothing can change and how they're just gonna complain about it until it gets better and NONE of them believe me when i say "do something about it!"

And honestly, I can't sympathize with them. I know I used to be just like that! Always complaining about how I got a raw deal and shit, and it took growing up and straightening myself out to realize "hey, if i want things to be better, I have to put myself out there and make them better" And ever since I've started doing that I've been much happier!

Sure I'm not living on easy street with all the glamour and glitz and crap, but at least I'm happier with myself! And everytime something comes a long i want to change. I change it!

I've been feeling good these past few days. I've had the occasional sad bout where I was lonely and daydreamed of relationships, but lately I've been feeling super psyched about all sorts of things!

See, back in January i started feeling cooped up, cabin fevered, just in general not very happy. And I told my friend Alex this. What he said kind of took me for a loop and I think I needed to hear it and reflect on it more than I did when he said it.

What he said is that he found it odd I wanted to go out cause I was always such an independent person.

I didn't think about it much then but I think I should've.

I love being me, and there's nothing wrong with being me. I think I got a little wrapped up in college life and wanting to be that guy everyone loves that I was almost scared to make some enemies.

But I think what he was saying was more of, I should just chill and be myself no matter what, cause the people I want in my life will be attracted to that, and the people I don't want will be avoided. Instead of having a toxic social circle I'd have a genuine one.

I like going out with friends and all but I like being by myself, able to reflect and think and do recalibrate and decompress. I think its important to be able to take some "me time." See who you truly are. I think I just got caught up in trying to see what others see in me instead of what I see in me.

I feel shiny again.

I spent some time looking at my camera and found out all these things it can do! I was lamenting earlier today that I wish I had a big camera like the ones I use at school (mostly because they can white balance, manual focus, variable zoom) but then I looked through the functions of my camera and noticed I can do all that and SO MUCH MORE!

I just need a mic.

BUT I have a mic adapter (that I accidentally stole from my school)! See, I put it in my pocket cause it was getting in the way of the shoot and said I'd put it back later, but forgot XD

ANYWAYS!

I noticed something today. Its SO much easier to talk to a someone you're not attracted to (anymore) than it is to talk to someone you are attracted to!

This is good cause I can work relationships from 2 angles. Girls I've become friends with might open their eyes and see I'm a great guy and want to go out with me and instigate something.
I've also recently decided to start dating randoms instead of trying to get to know them first. Take a chance and put myself out there.

It'll mean an increase in failed relationships, but it'll also mean an increase in relationships in general.

I need to find a singles bar

So this is the new year?

If you told me last year I'd be waking up in my own apartment away from my friends and family and surrounded by new friends and "family" I'd have told you to fast forward me a year. That or that you're lying.

probably the lying thing.

So here it is 2009 and I've seen so much change in just the past 4 months. Mostly change in myself. All for the better I believe. Well, except that lack of want to work... that'll always be there though.

One thing I've loved doing is re-inventing myself, changing who I am to who I feel I am. If that makes any sense at all. But I find each time I re-invent myself I'm always dragged back to who I was before. Mostly because people who knew me all my life don't seem to want to see me change, just stay the same. I guess its easier to accept that way.

But now I'm unbound by such restrictions! I'm in a city where no one knew me when I arrived and I had an excuse to be reserved at first! I had no clue where anything was so naturally I would stay in and be shy at first.

But this is where I got to re-invent myself! I got to be outgoing and take chances and ask for help where I'd normally twiddle my thumbs and say "oh, ok..." and slink back to my cave of solace.

Naturally I hated it.

Being taken out of my comfort zone took some getting used to, I'll admit, but now my comfort zone is broadened and I feel much more... shiny.

For once in my life I feel prosperous (with the occasional bout of paranoid "I'm secretly failing and don't know it!")! I think 2009 will be a good year for me. I'm doing something I love, and well too! I'm meeting new people (something I love doing) and they all seem to love me for who I am! Its a wonderful feeling after being a reserved man most of your life.

I feel more attractive, more comedic, more.... Shiny. Its great.

Its hard to let go of your reservations after holding onto them for so long. I still have random bouts of paranoia but they soon pass. I find I can let things go easier. I don't obsess over every little thing. If someone doesn't seem to like me I just shrug and let it be. If someone is sending me mixed signals.... Ok, I haven't mastered that one. But I don't let a lot of things that would normally get under my skin affect me.

I just wish I was more money-wise. I'm getting a job when school starts up again so I can pay my bills again and have money to go out on occasion. And if I can make enough, I'll keep working there through the summer and keep my place. I like the location. Easy to get to school, no buses to rely on for anything, next to a McDonalds/Tim Hortons/Subway/Pizza Pizza. What more could a college student ask for?

There's something satisfying about eating your own home-cooked meals. I realized this earlier today. I think I'm going to start doing more home cooking and planning ahead on that aspect of my life.

I do miss having a safety net. But that's part of being independent. Not relying on someone else to catch you when you fall, but to be able to catch yourself. I'm not there yet but I'm sure I will be at this rate.

And a most wonderful part is that for the first time since Odie I feel like I could have a romantic relationship again. She occupies my thoughts constantly but I keep having to stop myself from over-doing it. I don't want to scare her away, but I think just being me this long has brought her this close. Its hard to keep being "me" when I'm so excited. I wonder if the excitement shows when I talk to her?

I must have an expressive face, cause a lot of times people have commented on my facial expression changes (for better and worse) when they notice it.

A couple times come to mind. Like once when a girl (i had a crush on) told me she was going out with her new boyfriend she immediately asked me why I looked so sad.
The other is when Ashley brought my headphones to school on the last Wednesday, she told me she had them and Aneesa started to laugh and immediately said "Awww, his face lit up!"

I wonder.....